Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Monday Morning Meditation #104: The Need for Gratitude

During this week, I moved on from Daniel to Hosea. Both of the first two books focus on God's great disappointment with the people of Israel, especially in their unwillingness to show any gratitude for what they have been given (food, drink, clothing) or to notice from Whom it came -- and also in their once again turning away from God to the worship of the false god, Baal.

Reading: Hosea 2:13

Meditation: We all know that an attitude of ingratitude does not pertain only to ancient Israel. It seems to be a perverse part of human nature. Even if we generally move through life with an attitude of gratitude for all the good things that God gives, we tend to feel and show less gratitude to the things that one might not be quick to label "good." For example, when my kids -- and then my grandkids -- were born with life-challenging and life-impairing birth defects, the last thing I wanted to say at the time was "Thank You, God, for these challenges." Yet, is it not the challenges we meet in life, whether it is birth defects, some obstructions at work, financial difficulties, personal health issues, or thwarted desires, that are the greatest gift? From the challenges, we learn. From the challenges, we draw closer to God and to each other because we need each other in order to cope with and overcome them. Perhaps the next time something "bad" happens to us, we should respond with the words, "Thank You, God, for trusting me with this experience," and then trust God to help us through it and to help us to gain from it.

Contemplation: That is far as I can go with you this Monday morning. I now retire to private prayer to praise God for His greater understanding of just what a "gift" is and to thank Him for trusting me with many challenges throughout my life -- and helping me with them. I will ask forgiveness for those times that I have not responded to those gifts with the appropriate gratitude. I will also ask God to continue to build my trust in Him to lead me to and through any challenge. Then I will move on to contemplation, my favorite part of the day, letting God take over the direction in which my relationship with Him moves.

I will leave you now to your prayer and contemplation. First, though, I would like to bring to your attention a Monday morning prayer post that you might enjoy:

Fr. Austin Fleming, priest of the Archdiocese of Boston and pastor in Concord, Massachusetts, posts a prayer each Monday morning that he calls "Monday Morning Offering." I enjoy his prayers very much. I think you also will find them inspirational. He has graciously given me permission to include a link to his blog on my Monday Morning Meditation posts. (During the week, he also posts great homilies and other thoughtful discussions. I enjoy reading those, too, as do readers of this blog who have taken the stroll over to his blog.)

For additional inspiration throughout the week, I would point out two sets of blogs: (1) the list of devotional blogs on my sidebar and (2) my blogroll, where I am following a number of inspirational priests and writers about spiritual matters. I learn so very much from all these people. I highly recommend them to you.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Monday Morning Meditation #103: On Not Understanding

I have now finished the Book of Daniel. Amazing, the number of visions and dreams he had and moreover was able to interpret. I rarely remember any of my dreams, and when I do, they seem to be pure nonsense. (I suppose Freud might have some idea about how to interpret them -- whether correctly or incorrectly would be another story.) One might envy Daniel's ability at dream interpretation, but then one must consider that Daniel had some divine help. Therefore, I found some great relief when I read verse 8 of the last chapter (chapter 12) of Daniel: "I heard but I did not understand."

Reading: Daniel 12:8
Meditation: When I first came to faith, I wanted to know everything. I tracked down books on apologetics, the catechism of the church, the mystics, and anything else that would explain "everything" to me. It took me some time before I understood that there is much that I cannot understand, will not understand, and should not understand. Accepting not understanding was one of the hardest things ever for me to do because I am a scholar by nature. Initially, I resisted the thought that grace alone is enough, faith alone is enough, trust alone is enough, and that knowing why is not essential. Over time, I have become more comfortable with not knowing. It is like a child's seesaw: as one side goes up, the other comes down, as trust in God goes up, the need to know everything comes down. Being grounded in not knowing I now understand to be a good thing.

Contemplation: That is far as I can go with you this Monday morning. I now retire to private prayer to praise God for His grace and to thank Him for teaching me how to trust without understanding. I will ask forgiveness for those times that I have resisted not knowing and insisted on an answer "why" -- which I did not get, anyway (and should not have). I will also ask God to continue to build my trust and my willingness to accept without knowing; somehow I think God likes to honor those kinds of requests. Then I will move on to contemplation, my favorite part of the day, letting God take over the direction in which my relationship with Him moves.

I will leave you now to your prayer and contemplation. First, though, I would like to bring to your attention a Monday morning prayer post that you might enjoy:

Fr. Austin Fleming, priest of the Archdiocese of Boston and pastor in Concord, Massachusetts, posts a prayer each Monday morning that he calls "Monday Morning Offering." I enjoy his prayers very much. I think you also will find them inspirational. He has graciously given me permission to include a link to his blog on my Monday Morning Meditation posts. (During the week, he also posts great homilies and other thoughtful discussions. I enjoy reading those, too, as do readers of this blog who have taken the stroll over to his blog.)

For additional inspiration throughout the week, I would point out two sets of blogs: (1) the list of devotional blogs on my sidebar and (2) my blogroll, where I am following a number of inspirational priests and writers about spiritual matters. I learn so very much from all these people. I highly recommend them to you.

Monday Morning Meditation #86: Of First Fruits, Filled Barns, and Overflowing Vats

During this week, I continued to read further in the book of Proverbs. I have enjoyed the reading very much, and I have found much worthy of attention. I was particularly struck by verses 9 and 10 in Chapter 3. They hit home in an interesting way for nearly every pay day I am faced with a set of choices that include bills, donations, kids (charity begins at home, as they say), savings and investments (not much money available for that, but we try) and, upon rare occasion, some leisure activity (not much time available for that, but we also try in this area). Verse 9 is the key one, in my opinion.
9. Honor the LORD with your wealth, with first fruits of all your produce;
10. Then will your barns be filled with grain, with new wine your vats will overflow.
Reading: Proverbs 3:9-10.

Meditation: Pay days always bring a host of decisions, especially when the money does not stretch to cover all planned needs and unplanned contingencies. Take this past week, for example. Lizzie called to say that her cat, Princesse, had broken her paw and needed $2250 for surgery, which Lizzie did not have. Sixteen-year-old Princesse is an immigrant from Tunisia and has been Lizzie's constant companion through college, graduate school, and two professorial assignments. There is no question that she was worth every penny of the surgery, but Lizzie did not have the money, which was demanded upfront by the pet hospital. This was one of those unplanned contingencies. In addition, I needed to come up with the planned purchase of special milk for Nikolina who cannot digest regular milk because of her short bowel. It costs $300 for a month's supply, and Shane, having lost his job when her medical expenses became too much for his employer's insurance company ($2 million during her first six months of life), needs help coping with the lower salary he makes from the replacement job he was able to find. Of course, we have the same food and mortgage needs as everyone else. So, where does the money to give to God come from?

For some reason, from the moment of my conversion, I have not worried about this. Perhaps it was the way in which I was converted that produced the deep trust that allows me to give to God from my first fruits through donations and by committing funds when led to using God's credit card to help others. I have found that by giving to God first, the funds for my remaining needs, no matter what they are and how impossible it seems to cover them, always appear.

A little over two years ago, I was approached for a small donation for St. Francis Retreat Center, a local retreat center which does much good for many people. The center had burned down and needed to be rebuilt. I learned that the fundraising committee had raised much of the $1 million needed to rebuild but was still in need of $50,000 in order to construct the center's kitchen. After much prayer, I felt certain I was being led to donate this amount, but it would require about 15% of my income from every paycheck for five years (in addition to the 10% I was already donating to Old Mission and other diocesan/Christian charities). Yikes! How could I possibly manage 25% of my income for that 5-year period. Nonetheless, certain that God wanted me to make this commitment, I did, trusting that where God asked for what I did not have, God Himself would provide the difference. The pledge astonished the fundraising committee and the priest director; they knew I did not have this kind of money. Nonetheless, inspired by my trust, they went ahead and took out a bank loan for the full amount, and the kitchen (and rest of the center) has long ago been built. For nearly two-and-a-half years, every pay day, I have somehow found the pledged amount among my "first fruits," and it appears that my pledge will be paid off on time and so will the center's loan. Sometimes, I have had to make a sacrifice of some sort here and there (no vacation this year, for example), but, for the most part, money has appeared from unplanned sources (extra royalties, requests for consultations, etc.) in fulfillment of God's promise of barns filled and vats overflowing.

Contemplation: That is far as I can go with you this Monday morning. I now retire to private prayer to thank God for His great trustworthiness upon which I rely. I will praise God for the multitudinous ways in which He helps me to keep my promises to Him. I will ask God to deepen my trust, and, as God knows, I seriously repent those times where my trust could have been stronger. Then I will move on to contemplation, my favorite part of the day, letting God take over the direction in which my relationship with Him moves.

I will leave you now to your prayer and contemplation. First, though, I would like to bring to your attention a Monday morning prayer post that you might enjoy:

Fr. Austin Fleming, priest of the Archdiocese of Boston and pastor in Concord, Massachusetts, posts a prayer each Monday morning that he calls "Monday Morning Offering." I enjoy his prayers very much. I think you also will find them inspirational. He has graciously given me permission to include a link to his blog on my Monday Morning Meditation posts. (During the week, he also posts great homilies and other thoughtful discussions. I enjoy reading those, too, as do readers of this blog who have taken the stroll over to his blog.)

For additional inspiration throughout the week, I would point out two sets of blogs: (1) the list of devotional blogs on my sidebar and (2) my blogroll, where I am following a number of inspirational priests and writers about spiritual matters. I learn so very much from all these people. I highly recommend them to you.

Friday, November 15, 2013

An Awful Ending to an Awful Week

Sometimes things can get worse than bad. They can become awful. That is how the ending of this week turned out to be.

Not that earlier in the week things were all that much better. Matters actually began their downturn on Wednesday. That was the day that my deputy, who had called in sick the day before, wrote me an enote, saying that he was being admitted to the hospital for emergency surgery for a staph infection that had proved resistant to antibiotics. I sent flowers; we all sent prayers. The surgery took place Thursday morning. All went well, and my deputy will be home tomorrow. Thank God!

Later that day, the senior manager of one of my subdivisions appeared in my office to relate that her deputy had just been admitted to the hospital with unexplained internal bleeding. No cause has been found yet, and he remains in the hospital. Fortunately, doctors are more puzzled than worried. Dr. House, where are you? No flowers this time; this employee is allergic to them, and we would not want to make a bad situation worse. Prayers, though, continue to be sent. Help, Lord, we need you!

Also on Wednesday, one of our employees, let's call her Jackie, checked into the hospital for routine knee surgery. Today, one of Jackie's colleagues rushed into my office, crying. It turns out that after the surgery, Jackie had stood up and fallen down. She had instantly gone into a coma. A quick medical check showed that her lungs had filled with blood and no blood was circulating into her brain. She is currently packed in ice, with a temperature maintained at 34 degrees, trying to preserve her brain. Last night, doctors had given her two hours to live, but she held on. Now the doctors are saying that after 24 hours they will stop heroic measures because her brain will be past the point of being able to function again. The subdivision is in shock. So is our entire division. How can someone be a vibrant colleague one day and potentially a vegetable, or worse, the next? Ironically, Tuesday afternoon the entire subdivision, minus one colleague, Y, whom the others do not like, had asked for a sensing session with me. It was clear that they were ganging up on Y (there is an ethnic difference between them, as well as a difference in raw talent). Their arguments revealed racism and jealousy. Two people led the attack; one of them was Jackie. Two people went along with the attack but clearly had no evidence to support their contentions and were being egged on to trump up complaints by Jackie and her co-leader. Two others sat quietly, obviously uncomfortable, but unwilling to speak up in defense of the attacked colleague. They avoided answering my direct questions. That department has been ravished by clique behavior and backbiting. This was just the latest example. Y learned about the meeting (perhaps they wanted him to learn about it in order to needle him) and came to see me the next morning, demanding his own day in court. It took a long conversation, but I ultimately convinced him that his best course of action would be to forgive them, forget about what happened, and focus on continuing his excellent work. That was Thursday. Friday everything changed. Jackie was in a coma, the department was in shock, and everyone needed each other. Jackie's co-leader in the Tuesday attack brought me the first update; Y brought me the second and last update and request for prayers, telling me that they were all praying for Jackie. At least, some good has come from the bad. It is not the right time to send flowers to Jackie, but we (the management and the reconciled colleagues) are sending prayers. Help, help, Lord! We really need you on this one!

Could anything more happen to contribute to a general feeling of unease and unhappiness? Oh, sure! Right after all the medical discussions were over, a senior manager who was on vacation showed up. He was picking up a gift I had for his daughter, whose wedding I missed this past weekend. I had not meant to miss it. In fact, it was held in one of the most beautiful places in our area, with the reception at one of the most exclusive clubs. Donnie and I were looking forward to it for two months, and then suddenly we were looking back on it, having missed it. I had accidentally left my calendar book at the office. How we both managed to forget an event we had looked forward to is mystifying. I am now becoming concerned about the possibility of early Alzheimer's. The only possible explanation was the need to attend a funeral that weekend and having to rearrange other plans to make that happen. The senior manager was disappointed -- he sent me an enote the following day. He had forgiven me, however, by the time he arrived this morning to pick up the gift to take to his daughter and brought the remainder of the wedding cake for Donnie and me. Ouch! That hurt.

And, oh, yes, all those things were not enough obviously because Thursday we had two false fire alarms caused by power failures, and off and on throughout the afternoon the Internet went down, most annoyingly exactly at the time that I had to brief some high muckety-mucks from Washington on our innovative use of Internet-based technologies. That required some finessing, but we made it past that awkward moment intact. Today, however, the Internet was still down. All day.

By early afternoon, too much was simply too much. People were anxious from bad news. People were bored from the inability to complete their work, given the nonfunctional Internet. People were depressed from the gray rain that filled our atrium instead of the usual sunshine. Oh, right, I forgot to mention: it rained today, rather an odd thing to happen in the summer in California. Indeed, too much is sometimes just too much, especially on a dreary Friday afternoon. So, I sent everyone home. (At least, that made quite a few people happy.)

I stayed late, finishing what I could without a computer. Then I headed home, hoping for some brightness at the end of the day. Donnie suggested watching television, something I don't do often. The interesting show we thought would brighten our day, however, turned out to have a sad ending. Bummer!

Sometimes you just have to leave your entire world in God's hands.

(Photo montage by Code Scythe)

Friday, November 1, 2013

Million-Dollar Baby

The first bill for Nikolina has arrived. Definitely, it is only the first since she is still in the hospital following the surgery to put her spine back where it belongs. But the first bill is enough to know that these things are out of our hands. Shane and Lemony now have a million-dollar baby. To be precise, the bill was for $1.3 million.

So, what does one do? Laugh and leave the payment of the vast majority to the insurance company (which may have a cap of $1 million in a lifetime). Then, Shane and Lemony will have to turn the rest over to God. Of course, we will help. We did so unintentionally when Nathaniel had his kidney surgery years ago. The hospital grabbed $14K that I had had Shane put into his account so that we would have moving expenses taken care of upon our return from Jordan. Well, the bottom line is that the hospital got the money I needed for moving, and I ended up with alternatives to a planned, normal move, including living with Shane, Lemony, and Nathaniel until I had earned enough money from my new job to pay all the rent, deposits, and the like while Donnie remained "stuck" in Jordan for six months. ("Stuck" is the wrong word because Jordan is a great place to live, as well as relatively inexpensive, and Donnie was able to maintain a part-time job for four of the six months.) Once back in the USA, we lived without furnishings for a while. No big deal. I had a table and an air mattress. My computer was a laptop, and we had a carpeted floor. So, nothing more was really needed. With time, everything got replaced or moved or turned around, and now we can help Shane and Lemony (and our other kids) a lot more than back in 2006 when we first moved back to the USA and its capitalistic economy, which can sometimes bring people to their knees. (Maybe that's not such a bad thing, either.)

At least, the bill does not have to be paid today, which, considering the $4K Shane needs to fix his car which has broken down just at the wrong time (not sure, though, that there is ever a right time, and certainly my family, like most people, have been through worse days) and the current negative balance in my checking account (see my post on Justice or Mercy, as well as the comments to the post), is simply a laughable thought.

God will provide
. We just have to wait - and so will Stanford. Been there, done that, as they say, with our other handicapped kids. It does have the effect of keeping one humble. The only thing one has to show off for one's hard-work-produced-income is that one's kids are alive. Come to think of, I cannot think of anything better to show off. Can you?

Saturday, October 19, 2013

The Angel in the Desert

As promised yesterday, here is the Islamic angel story. It was published in a book, called Metaphors of Islamic Humanism (subtitle) by Dr. Omar Imady and is re-printed here with permission.

The title of the story is "The Angel's Instructions."

There once was a man who was traveling through the desert. The journey took longer than he expected and soon all his provisions were gone except for a small jug of water and a loaf of bread. An angel carrying water and food was sent with this command: "When he drinks the rest of his water and eats his last loaf of bread, give him the water and food."

And so the angel observed the man from a distance, waiting for him to drink his water and eat his loaf of bread. But the man was so afraid of finishing his supplies and being left with nothing that he simply couldn't get himself to do so. Whenever he was about to drink or eat, he would say to himself, "But what will happen to me if I were to finish my water or eat my last loaf of bread? I must hold on to them, they are all I have left."

And so he would continue to walk and the angel would continue to observe from a distance.

Sometime before sunset, the man collapsed on the sand. In one hand, he held that very last loaf of bread, and in the other, that small jug of water. The angel, still carrying the food and water, kept on observing until it was clear that the man had died.

"How strange are the children of Adam," the angel said as it ascended to the sky.


EM note: It all boils down to trust, doesn't it?

Friday, October 11, 2013

Shura's Miracles

Next on the list of my children who have benefitted from the kindness of angels in the garb of professionals is Shura. (I don't know whether to include him among our children or not since he was with us for such a short while, but in the broader meaning of the word, he is our child even though Donnie could not even communicate with him in the beginning, Shura speaking no English and Donnie speaking no Russian.) Anyone who has read my book, Blest Atheist, knows the story of Shura in grand and glorious detail. I include it here in very brief form for everyone else and as part of the series of the positive things that other people have done for my children.

About Shura:
Shura was a dying child artist from Akademgorodok, Siberia, a place where I had done research, consulting, and teaching, and my second most favorite place in the world, the first being the little mission town I live in right now. (The picture on the left was drawn by Shura following his first surgery in the United States.) He was remarkably talented. As a very young teenager he had had two exhibits at Dom uchenykh (House of Scientists, which recognizes the leading academicians and artists in Russia, at that time the Soviet Union), poetry published in a collective volume, and a television documentary on his life. Shura was unusual in Siberia in that he was alive. Born with spina bifida during the Soviet era in a region with a paucity of antibiotics and no experience with these kinds of neurologic defects, accompanied by extremely harsh winters with temperatures dipping lower than 75 degrees below zero, and into a family of seven children (nearly unheard of in the USSR - the family required two side-by-side apartments in order to accommodate all its members), Shura grew up homeschooled by necessity in a country where such a thing was not only unheard of but also rejected out of hand. To make a long story somewhat shorter, through actions taken by Shura's godmother and me, Shura ended up in the USA for life-saving surgery. Here I was his guardian, and then he moved in with Julie Trudell (see Shura's caregivers below), and then began to live independently in Charlottesvile, Virginia as a chef and artist. While recuperating from his surgeries as a teenager, he was granted a residency at the Virginia Center for Creative Arts, the youngest person ever so honored. Last January he returned to be with his Russian family, now living in Moscow in the new Russia where antibiotics are more readily available and where Shura hopes to devote full time efforts to his art.

Shura's challenges:
Shura was born with lipomyelomeningeocele, a form of spina bifida, resulting in mild paraplegia (limited to no movement below the knee). He ambulated with crutches and, when allowed, on his knees. Over time, as result of untreated ulcerations that are typically for enervated skin, he developed gangrene in both legs, requiring an amputation of both. Ambulation is now accomplished with prostheses. Although he has a neurogenic bladder, he has refused to self-catheterize. Doctors were able to improve on his bladder functioning sufficiently to allow Shura close to normal bladder control. The lipomyeloneningeocele was not repaired at birth, as is usual in the USA, and until this day remains, now by choice, unrepaired; it has so far created no health damage. Concerns are that repair would result in hydrocephalus, which Shura does not currently have.

Shura's special caregivers:

Shura's family: These were the caregivers who kept Shura alive against all odds and then, when there was no longer any hope of keeping him alive in Siberia, handed him over to a stranger (me), fully trusting God to watch over him. (That faith was surely not in vain!) Shura's mother was a teacher, and she taught Shura at home; he is highly educated in spite of never having attended a regular school. She was also the faith center of the family. She knew that Shura was God's special child, and she made sure that Shura knew: he came to me full of faith. Shura's father, wounded in the war, walked with an energetic limp. A dreamer and printing press owner, he worked tirelessly on behalf of getting his son to the USA, gathering in money from visitors to Akademgorodok world-wide. When he delivered Shura to me, he handed me a large bag of coins and bills from many different countries, not enough to pay for anything of a medical nature but enough to help with clothing and feeding Shura. (Turning that sack of foreign money into dollars took an entire afternoon at Salts Bank, where foreign meant only Mexican -- everything had to be looked up in a book to ensure that the money was real.) A third member of Shura's family was his godmother, who had come to know me when I was lecturing in Krasnoyarsk. Ironically, she herself later developed cancer, and the doctors at the University of Virginia Hospital stepped in to take care of her, too.

Dr. Ronald Uscinski. Yes, the same doctor who played a vital role in the health and well-being of Noelle. Ron read Shura's x-rays and medical records originally and gave me guidance in how to proceed and what was needed medically. He then tirelessly filled out all the paperwork that the US Embassy in Moscow required to bring Shura to the USA three times. It seems that the embassy kept losing it. I had some doubts as to why the paperwork was getting lost, and the final time I noted that a copy of the fax was being sent to a resident of Moscow who could bring hard copy if needed. That took care of that. Hard copy was not needed. After examining Shura himself, Ron also stood by me and Shura when we made the decision not to repair the lipomyelomeningeocele for fear of causing greater damage, considering that Shura had already stabilized with the sac in place.

Julie Trudell. I first "met" Julie when she called me from UVA Hospital to tell me that she had tickets for Shura and me to come to UVA for Shura's surgery and a $500K for his care, all compliments of John Kluge. A mother of a son Shura's age, after our attempt at post-surgical follow-up from California (flying to appointments, instead of driving), she offered to take Shura into her house. Instantly, we had a triumvirate of motherhood: Siberian mother, Californian mother, Virginian mother. Early on, there was transcontinental, transatlantic communication among the three of us. Over time, Julie took on most of the late-teenage parenting. She and I have become like sisters over the past 15 years since that first phone call.

Dr. Vladimir Kryzhanovski. Vladimir simply appeared on the radar one day, telling us he had heard about a young Russian undergoing surgery at UVA. Vladimir was a cardiac surgeon on some type of exchange program at UVA Hospital, and he wanted to help. He was a ready interpreter in the beginning when Shura could not speak English. He inserted himself into the medical decision-making, e.g., insisting that the best kinds of prostheses, not the simplest (considered easier to maintain in Siberia), be made just in case Shura remained in the USA for a while (which he did -- 15 years). He spent hours talking to Shura about Russian and Ukrainian literature and other cultural phenomena, making sure that Shura never forgot his own culture (something he could do far better than I). Later, he helped Julie with parenting issues. (Oh, yes, Vladimir is still in Virginia.) My most vivid memory of Vladimir is the poignant picture of him walking beside Shura's gurney on the way to Shura's first surgery (the double amputation). I had to stop at the point that all parents have to say good-bye to their children, but Vladimir did not. He walked the rest of the way to the operating room with Shura.

John Kluge. Most of John Kluge's contribution is described above. I never met him. Shura never met him. He is now 94 years old and, the last we heard, suffering from cancer. I doubt that we will ever meet him, but Shura did paint a picture just for him. To give and not expect anything in return is true giving. The only requirement that John Kluge made of Shura was that the medical care was to be given at UVA and Shura followed by the Kluge Rehabilitation Center. You see, Mr. Kluge had given money to the hospital before and quite a bit of it. Mr. Kluge not only paid for the medical expenses, he also asked Dr. Gillenwater, who had just retired from the urology staff, to return for one purpose: to coordinate Shura's care. And then, to make sure that Shura was fully taken care of as time went on, he provided periodic money for clothes and painting supplies.


Shura's life has been full of miracles. The first was that he survived. A tethered cord, highly painful and if untreated highly damaging, typically accompanies a lipomyelomeningeocele. That was the second miracle; he has never had a tethered cord. The third miracle occurred when I happened to meet Shura's godmother in Krasnoyarsk and together set into place the series of events that would bring Shura to the USA at a time when the US Embassy was opposed to granting such visas. The fourth miracle was finding John Kluge as benefactor for we had no idea where to get the $50K upfront money that hospitals were requiring, let alone the $500K estimated total medical expenses (actual expenses have been nearly double that). Finding John Kluge was not easy: I had an address given to me my someone quite by chance from Charlottesville, Virginia, home of John Kluge -- except that was not his home; he lived in NYC. Nonetheless, the package and plea I sent to Charlottesville somehow found him in NYC within 72 hours of sending. The fifth miracle was the appearance of Vladimir in Shura's life -- who would have thought that there would be a visiting doctor from the Ukraine (in the former Soviet Union) just at a time when Shura needed translator, doctor-guide, and father figure in his life. The sixth and highly potent miracle was finding the overseer of the INS after a moleibin (Russian Orthodox prayer service) for Shura, a person who no longer attended that church, did not know about Shura's moleibin, and was 100% situated such that he could help with all visa and green card issues (and did); only later did we find out that this person was a convert who had been the recipient of a miracle himself (see Miracles in Real Life).

In the case of Shura, I often wondered, given all the miracles, anyway, why they did not happen faster. (Remember, I was still an atheist at the time, so I just considered it all serendipity, assuming that if there were a God, it would all have happened instantly.) Only now I understand. The journey was clearly more important than the destination. It was not the time for miracles that was needed. It was the time for people to see the miracles and to be part of them, the time to expand Shura's blessings beyond one young man to dozens of people worldwide.

Yes, indeed, Shura’s life has been full of miracles. Where there could have been great sadness, there has been great hope and joy. There has been only one stain on all of this: me. As an atheist at the time that all of this was taking place (Boy, could I make up excuses and shaky explanations for the series of miracles that rolled out before my very own eyes!), I set a poor role model for Shura, and I was, for him, a role model. As a result, he chose to abandon his faith for my atheism. There was logic, in both our minds at the time, for his choice. I was the one, in his mind, who had pulled him from Siberia and saved his life. He really did not understand that I was only the conduit that God chose and that God could have chosen another. Why would God send a strong believer to an atheist or allow that atheist to discourage the faith of His believer? That question, I suspect, will never be answered. I don’t really need an answer. I am just trying, somewhat unsuccessfully, to deal with the regret. (It is one of those situations where we know that God forgives us but we find it difficult to forgive ourselves – at least, that’s the way it works for me.) Shura knows of my conversion, and that has puzzled him. Perhaps there is hope for a reversion for him. (Please pray for that.) More important, now that Shura has returned to Russia, where care is at last sufficient for him, he will be living near his parents. I imagine that once again his real mother will take care of his faith.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Monday Morning Meditation #26: Meeting Our Goliaths

This week I read the next chapter of I Samuel. I was stopped by the story of David and Goliath. Now, this was not a new story for me. Even those not raised on the Bible do generally know this story, as do probably the vast majority of non-Christians in the Western world (and some in the Eastern.) What stopped me, then, was not the newness of the story but a new understanding of it.

Reading: I Samuel 17
Meditation: Perhaps surprisingly the first phrase that caught my attention was David's comment that he had no fear because after all he had taken lambs out of the mouth of lions on many occasions. Now, I think I would be quite hesitant to approach a lion even if the occasion were to present itself, but I also know that somewhere deep inside us is a need to protect that for which we feel ourselves responsible, whether it be our children or something else. It seems a part of all nature. Bears are usually timid around people until they bear young and become fiercely protective of them. Likewise, we recently had a local hen hatch and raise a brood of chickens in our yard. (The local wild fowl have the run of San Ignatio by law and by people's protection, maybe the only place in the USA with this unusual situation. So, the hens get to choose where they raise their broods.) One day a stray dog (we have a few of those, too) grabbed one of the baby chickens. The other chicks ran in many directions, and Mama Hen went wild, flying to a roost high in our tree, alternately clucking her other chicks to return and squawking in despair about the little one in the jaws of the dog. I heard the commotion, went outside, and immediately saw what was going on. Without thinking I ran over to the dog and pried the little chick out of his mouth, scolding him for being a "bad boy." Mama Hen was soon reunited with all her chicks, including the one that the dog had tried to scarf up, the latter none the worse for his great adventure, and everyone went on his or her merry way. It was only then that I realized fighting an unknown stray dog bigger than I over a baby chicken was probably not the best reasoned thing I have ever done. But, in reading David's comment, I certainly understand the emotions that propelled him.

In the story of David and Goliath we find a great deal of abandonment of self to trust in God, not that unsimilar to the abandonment that comes, as David said, from rescuing lambs from lions (or perhaps chicks from dogs). I have never had to abandon myself to a situation where I had to literally kill a Goliath, but metaphorically, figuratively, sure. I am certain we all find ourselves face to face with a Goliath in our life, and we have the choice to trust God or run away and let someone else take care of the Goliath (or be "killed" by it ourselves).

In seems like I have a whole family of Goliaths in my life. Each time one is conquered after a little while a new one appears. Each time the Goliath is vanquished by the grace of God and little more (just a pebble). When, for example, Blaine, Ksenya, and Shura appeared in our path to be taken care of, we had no money. God found it for us, including a million dollars for Shura's medical care. The Goliath of poverty was overcome by a pebble slung in the right direction, in Shura's case toward a billionaire (with some re-direction from God -- we had the wrong address; he lived in a different state, and to this day I do not know how it was that he received my letter).

Oh, yes, there is often a Goliath in front of us. It could be poverty. It could be a legal or medical obstacle. It could be a difficult supervisor at work. It could be loss of a job like Shane is experiencing right now. It could be so many things. Were it only one Goliath! Killed once and gone forever! However, if you are like me, it seems to always be a matter of one down and many to go. One down and a clear road today, but rounding the corner tomorrow, oops!, there we go again!

Maybe we encounter many Goliaths (or at least I do), so that learning to trust God becomes a matter of habit. The more we trust and find the trust to be to good avail, the greater and more automatic our trust becomes. At least, that is my calculated, meditated guess.

And that is far as I can go with you on this Monday morning. I must retire to prayer to repent for those times that I have tried to take on Goliath on my own or to worry that Goliath will win, to thank God for always being with me and giving me the pebbles with which to win over the Goliaths that appear in front of me, and to give praise for His incredible faithfulness in guiding my puny pebbles so that I know that I can trust Him in anything and everything. After that, I will spend time in contemplation, my favorite part of the day, letting God take over the direction in which my relationship with Him moves.

I will now leave you to your prayer and contemplation, but first, I would like to bring to your attention a Monday morning prayer post that you might enjoy:

Fr. Austin Fleming, priest of the Archdiocese of Boston and pastor in Concord, Massachusetts, posts a prayer each Monday morning that he calls "Monday Morning Offering." I enjoy his prayers very much. I hope you also will find them inspirational. He has graciously given me permission to include a link to his blog on my Monday Morning Meditation posts.

For additional inspiration throughout the week, I would point out two sets of blogs: (1) the list of devotional blogs that follow the enumeration of Monday Morning Meditations on the sidebar of this blog and (2) my blogroll, where I am following a number of inspirational priests and writers about spiritual matters. I learn so very much from all these people. I highly recommend them to you.

Monday Morning Meditation #26: Meeting Our Goliaths

This week I read the next chapter of I Samuel. I was stopped by the story of David and Goliath. Now, this was not a new story for me. Even those not raised on the Bible do generally know this story, as do probably the vast majority of non-Christians in the Western world (and some in the Eastern.) What stopped me, then, was not the newness of the story but a new understanding of it.

Reading: I Samuel 17
Meditation: Perhaps surprisingly the first phrase that caught my attention was David's comment that he had no fear because after all he had taken lambs out of the mouth of lions on many occasions. Now, I think I would be quite hesitant to approach a lion even if the occasion were to present itself, but I also know that somewhere deep inside us is a need to protect that for which we feel ourselves responsible, whether it be our children or something else. It seems a part of all nature. Bears are usually timid around people until they bear young and become fiercely protective of them. Likewise, we recently had a local hen hatch and raise a brood of chickens in our yard. (The local wild fowl have the run of San Ignatio by law and by people's protection, maybe the only place in the USA with this unusual situation. So, the hens get to choose where they raise their broods.) One day a stray dog (we have a few of those, too) grabbed one of the baby chickens. The other chicks ran in many directions, and Mama Hen went wild, flying to a roost high in our tree, alternately clucking her other chicks to return and squawking in despair about the little one in the jaws of the dog. I heard the commotion, went outside, and immediately saw what was going on. Without thinking I ran over to the dog and pried the little chick out of his mouth, scolding him for being a "bad boy." Mama Hen was soon reunited with all her chicks, including the one that the dog had tried to scarf up, the latter none the worse for his great adventure, and everyone went on his or her merry way. It was only then that I realized fighting an unknown stray dog bigger than I over a baby chicken was probably not the best reasoned thing I have ever done. But, in reading David's comment, I certainly understand the emotions that propelled him.

In the story of David and Goliath we find a great deal of abandonment of self to trust in God, not that unsimilar to the abandonment that comes, as David said, from rescuing lambs from lions (or perhaps chicks from dogs). I have never had to abandon myself to a situation where I had to literally kill a Goliath, but metaphorically, figuratively, sure. I am certain we all find ourselves face to face with a Goliath in our life, and we have the choice to trust God or run away and let someone else take care of the Goliath (or be "killed" by it ourselves).

In seems like I have a whole family of Goliaths in my life. Each time one is conquered after a little while a new one appears. Each time the Goliath is vanquished by the grace of God and little more (just a pebble). When, for example, Blaine, Ksenya, and Shura appeared in our path to be taken care of, we had no money. God found it for us, including a million dollars for Shura's medical care. The Goliath of poverty was overcome by a pebble slung in the right direction, in Shura's case toward a billionaire (with some re-direction from God -- we had the wrong address; he lived in a different state, and to this day I do not know how it was that he received my letter).

Oh, yes, there is often a Goliath in front of us. It could be poverty. It could be a legal or medical obstacle. It could be a difficult supervisor at work. It could be loss of a job like Shane is experiencing right now. It could be so many things. Were it only one Goliath! Killed once and gone forever! However, if you are like me, it seems to always be a matter of one down and many to go. One down and a clear road today, but rounding the corner tomorrow, oops!, there we go again!

Maybe we encounter many Goliaths (or at least I do), so that learning to trust God becomes a matter of habit. The more we trust and find the trust to be to good avail, the greater and more automatic our trust becomes. At least, that is my calculated, meditated guess.

And that is far as I can go with you on this Monday morning. I must retire to prayer to repent for those times that I have tried to take on Goliath on my own or to worry that Goliath will win, to thank God for always being with me and giving me the pebbles with which to win over the Goliaths that appear in front of me, and to give praise for His incredible faithfulness in guiding my puny pebbles so that I know that I can trust Him in anything and everything. After that, I will spend time in contemplation, my favorite part of the day, letting God take over the direction in which my relationship with Him moves.

I will now leave you to your prayer and contemplation, but first, I would like to bring to your attention a Monday morning prayer post that you might enjoy:

Fr. Austin Fleming, priest of the Archdiocese of Boston and pastor in Concord, Massachusetts, posts a prayer each Monday morning that he calls "Monday Morning Offering." I enjoy his prayers very much. I hope you also will find them inspirational. He has graciously given me permission to include a link to his blog on my Monday Morning Meditation posts.

For additional inspiration throughout the week, I would point out two sets of blogs: (1) the list of devotional blogs that follow the enumeration of Monday Morning Meditations on the sidebar of this blog and (2) my blogroll, where I am following a number of inspirational priests and writers about spiritual matters. I learn so very much from all these people. I highly recommend them to you.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Trust

Two years ago when I was teaching a research methods course to undergraduates at Lithuania International University, a Christian college located in the town of Klaipeda on the Baltic Sea, I gave several speeches at the request of the chaplain. As a result, one of my students felt emboldened to approach me after class with the question, "Do you think we can really trust God?"

When I answered in the affirmative, she indicated some hesitation to take my word for it although my chapel presentation had given her some courage in this respect. So, last January, when I returned to do an intensive seminar on the same topic and the chaplain approached me again for a speaking engagement, I knew the topic I had to address: trust.

Among other things I presented to the students, I told the story of a lost credit card on a trip to Washington. I called the bank, wanting to cancel it, but colleagues, one from Jordan and one from Morocco, both, ironically, Muslims, talked me out of it. "Allah always takes care of you," they pointed out, confidently predicting that my credit card would be found in my hotel room. It was. For some odd reason, I had forgotten that I had used it on the plane as a bookmark. The title of the book? Ruthless Trust: The Ragamuffin's Path to God (Brendan Manning). I think God might have been sending me a message with that experience!

We all need that lesson from time to time, no matter how great our faith and trust. We need the lesson so that we will not try to take problems back once we give them to God. Why give them to God if we are going to continue to worry about them and not trust God to handle them in ways that only He can -- so much better than we ever can, no matter the amount of worry.

As I told the college kids in the chapel that day, when we lack trust, we can always ask God to help us trust Him more (along the lines of praying for help with unbelief). I believe that God delights in answering such prayers for He seems to answer them, at least for me, with great alacrity.

On the Unwiseness of "Taking Things Back"

Usually, if I ask God for help, I ask once and go on to other things, finding that God has a way of taking care of things better than we can imagine, especially if we are not asking God to help with our agenda -- which is what I think goes wrong with the prayers of the teenagers in my catechism class (e.g., they want an A on a test without having to study). But sometimes I am foolish enough not to put any worry aside after prayer. Silly me! What an unnecessary waste of energy and emotion!

I had a very dramatic experience with this a couple of years ago, one that came back to mind today through a post about prayer on Kari Brodin's Honest2God blog, to which I responded with the example I am giving here. (Kari, by the way, can use prayers for her health; please check out her site.)

A couple of years ago at work, I had made what could have been a career-ending mistake (even jail time if someone really wanted to press the matter) by signing off on a document without reading it thoroughly. By doing so, I had committed the US government to paying thousands of dollars, and I had no authorization to make the commitment. There needed to have been an authorization document from our resources department, and there was not, and I missed this detail. Still, I was the ultimate, responsible party. Media attention was threatened on Friday by the party not getting the thousands of expected dollars, and all ##$$&&** broke loose. I left the office not knowing what the situation would be, come Monday, but the next-higher office was clearly frightened by the whole situation. And then the day ended.

Needless to say, I fretted all weekend. Of course, I asked God for help right in the beginning, and then I fretted and fretted. On Sunday, as I fretted when I should have been praying, I suddenly saw the image of the kind of rope used in a tug-of-war game, and while I saw no tuggers, I immediately understood that the rope symbolized my work problem. At the same time, I heard the words, very clearly, "Let Me have it!" Startled, I immediately dropped my end of the rope, which went slack, and then the image disappeared. So had the worry disappeared. No more fretting. I could pay attention to real prayer.

Truly, I left the problem behind. In fact, I completely forgot about it and went on peacefully with the rest of Sunday since now God really did have the problem, and on Monday went to work, still in a peaceful mood.

I had nearly completely forgotten about the whole issue when I got a call from one of my boss's assistants who said he had been asked to come in early and work on "my" problem. In so doing, he found this major glitch in the system that could cause all kinds of unauthorized spending. It was being fixed, the party expecting payment was actually going to get paid, along with a dozen parties who were discovered to have performed services and not been paid in the past! Not only that, I was so not in trouble that I was being lauded because my mistake uncovered a serious problem with the system government-wide.

I was not going to go to jail! I was not going to lose my job! I was a hero!

And now I had another example of God knowing best, of God turning bad into good, and of the fact that we can, and should, trust God with anything and everything AND NOT FRET! As they say, just "let go, and let God..." :)

Thursday, August 6, 2009

The Journey Is More Important Than the Destination


One of my favorite places is St Francis Retreat, which is situated in the mountains near the central coast of California. St. Francis Retreat, in spite of being a bit (oh, let's face it, a lot) off the beaten path, has been home to a large number of friars and monks who have done much for the local community and beyond. I know because St. Francis is home to the Secular Franciscan Order in which I am a candidate. In addition to wonderfully restorative and mathemagenic (gonna make you look up that word -- once a teacher, always a teacher) periodic retreats that attract retreatants well beyond driving distance, the priests at the retreat regularly substitute at the local church masses and provide personal counsel to individuals in search of spiritual advice; the retreat has an active spiritual direction program, which includes external qualified & certified spiritual directors. So, when St. Francis caught on fire in June 2006, the community was in shock. A significant piece of history and a significant source of spiritual growth was gone overnight. Fr. B, the newly arrived, not-so-young (oh, let's be honest, elderly) director had an immense task at hand: raise 6 million dollars to re-build or close down. No one wanted to close down, and so the rallying cry became "Bring Back St. Francis." While the bringing back has been going on, SFR has continued to hold retreats, provide spiritual direction, offer a home to retired and not-retired priests and monks, and actively serve the community, doing it out of pre-fabs. The journey is coming to an end after three years of fund-raising: the ground was broken in the spring, the structure is now up, and the new building is slated to open in September. I have heard Fr. B worry that the goal will not be reached, but they are now only $385K short. (If anyone feels inclined to donate, there is a way to do so on the SFR site.)

Reaching the goal, however, in my opinion, was never the most important thing. The journey to the goal was far more important.

As a result of the fire, SFR will have a far more modern, green, and spacious building than they would ever have attempted to build as long as the old building remained. (Hmm...)

This spacious building is very likely to bring far more users and retreatants to SFR because the space is there and the high-tech is there. While the proof in the pudding is yet to be tasted, the financial health of SFR, therefore, is likely to improve even in this bad economic climate. (Hmm...)

Bringing back St. Francis has instigated people to work together (and get to know each other) who might never have met before but who have become supportive friends now. Even those who have not been extensively involved have known that their $5 gifts or whatever amounts they could afford have been added together with larger ones to make building possible. It has become a community effort, a community, that is, of believers. (Hmm...)

I have always known that SFR would be rebuilt. I do not know how I knew. I just knew. My friend, Bennie, also knew and told Fr. B that. His prayers are nearly always answered, and he just simply expected this one to be answered as well. For others, the trust was not as implicit as it was with the two of us (and some other folks), but over time the trust that God would provide geometrically increased. (Hmm...)

Hmm...perhaps, indeed, the journey is more important than the destination.

When the fire came in 2006, I was living in my Land of Splat!. I would loved to have helped, but I had no real money to do so. I did have complete trust that God would fill the coffers needed for rebuilding and I had evidence that God would take care of me financially. After all, God dumped $11K on me when I needed it for the IRS, overcompensating the need by $400, which became my first contribution to the Bring Back St. Francis fund. After that, I began a little experiment. I promised God to give the "extra" money that came my way to SFR, and extra money started coming -- book royalties, merit increases, retention incentives. Soon I was up to $600 extra a month -- an amazing amount for someone living in the Land of Splat! who had spent most of her life with the chihuahua of poverty nipping at her heels (someone who still sometimes has to wait until the next paycheck in order to have a family dinner at a nice restaurant). Then, the diocese offered to loan SFR money against pledges so that the construction could begin on the building, and Fr. B asked me if I would turn my $600 per month donation into a pledge. Hmm... Now I was going to have to trust that God would keep throwing those extra dollars my way. Well, in for a dime, in for a dollar. "Okay, God, I am going to be at your mercy!" I upped the ante to $10K per year for my pledge, a nice round figure, and made a 5-year commitment. Scary thought: a $50K pledge from someone of modest income, inhabiting what has been sometimes called a poor man's art town, and living quite modestly in a small two-bedroom rented house. God was really going to have to help this time. That level of trust flabbergasted many people (mostly those who do not know me), but I know God will provide. Since making the pledge, an additional $350 per month as fallen into my lap from work-related additional income (I only needed an extra $250 -- overcompensation again), and that looks like it will continue through the end of the year, after which, there is the annual bonus and likely a small pay increase. Ah, fishes and loaves -- God sure knows how to multiply them! I certainly am glad that I joined this SFR journey because whatever the destination will be, I have learned a lot along the way, especially about trusting God. (Perhaps that was the plan! Hmm...)

As I think about the concepts of "journey" and "destination," I am compelled to note that we tend to want everything now. I am no exception although I am trying to be. We think we need some "stuff." We want to have it now. We think we want to be able to do something. We want to do it now. For example, I wanted to bring Katya of Tula to the USA for Orphan Cry. I wanted to do it now. God said "Cool it; let me do My part." Years ago, I met Shura and took him into my home. (His story will be coming soon as a continuation of the series about the professionals who have served as angels in my children's lives). He was at the time a dying Siberian child artist, and I wanted to bring him to the USA immediately for medical help. It took a year. When we don't get what we want right away, we think God has not answered our prayer. As Tolstoy said, God waits. We may never know why God waited. It is not important that we know. We just sometimes think it is.

On many occasions, I have found the destination to be great but the journey greater. The journey encourages spiritual and interpersonal development, allows time for miracles and time to see the miracles, and builds faith and trust. So, you see, the journey is more important than the destination.

(And, in terms of "destination," this is what has distracted me from writing this week. I am working at Kaneohe Bay, Hawaii, picture below. No time to swim or surf -- I'm not much good at either, anyway -- but the natural beauty is so spellbinding that no picture can really capture it.)